I’m told the word for it is “manic.” I have this cacophony of internal noise in my brain that damn near gives me a headache. My thoughts race at the speed of light, all of them tinged with a certain level of darkness. My emotions climb and dive at alarming rates, changing like the wind. I feel depressed, and this angers me. I feel out of control, and I struggle to keep my tongue in check, refusing to let it unleash the things my mind has fabricated.
It’s like a strong wind is blowing, and there is a never-ending scream, allthewhile a multitude of people are holding a hundred different conversations in an echoing cathedral. It’s more than a little distracting. I try so hard not to let it affect me, not to let it all influence my behavior, but it takes so much out of me simply to act normal. I feel claustrophobic and like I’m on the edge of a cliff at the same time. I want to be around people, because being social might help me come back down from this, but I also don’t want to be around people because…what if they notice?
So I shake my head and try to cut loose this invisible tether that holds me fast to the storm that rages within, meanwhile attempting to calm it by sheer force of will.
This is me.
I am peaceful. Calm. Tired. But calm. Things are good, I am fine. The world is still the same as it was yesterday, yet somehow everything around me seems brighter, more decadent and beautiful. I am normal. I don’t have to pretend that I am okay, because I truly feel alright. I think back over the days that brought me here, and I wonder if this is normal, or if my dark demons are right in telling me I am alone and I am a freak.
Nope, not gonna go down that way today. There’s no need. The storm has passed. There’s no reason to relive it.
This is also me.
I feel like I am so many different people, all of them taking my face as a mask in their theatrical display. They are all me, just different sides of the same coin. Albeit a weird, nine-faceted coin…maybe it’s more like a diamond, with so many different sides. Some of them are tarnished and dirty, while others shine bright and beautiful.
Great. Now I just referred to myself as a beautiful diamond. I’m such a dweeb.
But all these various versions of me, they are all truly me. There is the sad, depressed version. The side that sees something sinister around every corner. The side that seems sinister and cruel. The hopeful version. The nihilistic one. The one that tries to understand all of this. The one that knows he can’t and just doesn’t even try.
It’s all there, hidden away behind my eyes. This is me. Now that I’ve got that nailed down, maybe I can try to start figuring out other people.
Oh geez, sometimes I crack myself up.