The beast inside my brain refuses to stay in his cage. Sometimes I get lucky, and he sleeps quietly for a few days or even a few weeks, but he always breaks out and goes on a rampage. He whispers doubts in my ears, and he plays on my insecurities. He damages my relationships by taking control of my words. I can sometimes fight him off and keep him in check, but he is relentless. When he is awake, he is always shaking the bars of the cage in which he lives, roaring like a lion in every corner of my mind.
I can’t tune him out and I can’t turn him down. He gets ahold of me, and all I can do is strap in for the ride, hoping he doesn’t sabotage anything beyond repair. He claws around inside, looking for a weakness, some break in my defenses that will set him loose. When he finds it (and he always does), he makes me miserable. He attacks my friends and my family and sometimes my job. I feel like two different people; I know he’s an extension of who I am, but I don’t see him that way.
He is angry and cruel, outspoken and overly emotional. Sometimes he simply muddies the waters, making relationships tense or awkward. Sometimes he outright tears them apart. In my right mind, I rarely yell at people, and I try to keep my feelings to myself. I know I’m an empathetic sociopath with a messiah complex, but I’d rather not share that with the world. He, however, wants everyone to know about the beast behind my eyes. He wants everyone to know that I am not mild mannered, level-headed, or happy. He wants everyone to see me for what I really am: paranoid, volatile, insecure, and unfocused.
He roars and flares up at a moment’s notice. He will explode or fall apart in a heartbeat. I despise him so much, for two main reasons. The first is when he takes control, he leaves a trail of damage wherever we go; he makes my life miserable, trying to clean up his mess. The second is he scares me; I wonder if the calm me is simply a façade, and if the beast is who I truly am. I hate him because I know he is a part of me; he scares me because he may be ALL of me.