The Bachelor High Court is Now in Session

Previously on “I Don’t Do Weddings,” Collins’ dad died, sad stuff happened, and it was all kind of a bummer. But that’s all over now, so let’s get back to the good stuff…

The Troll returned to Collins’ life, and given the circumstances, one can somewhat understand why he began talking to her again. He needed something to distract him from what he was going through, and she reappeared at just the right time. This does not make it any less of a horrible decision, but his reasoning behind it can be understood.

After a few weeks, Collins found himself entwined in a relationship with this evil woman…again. He moved back in with her, against the advice of all his friends and family, and started pouring all his time and energy into pleasing the one person in his life who was trying to take advantage of him. He was being quite a dumbass.

Over the next two months, he lost contact with everyone except for Schmidty. He massively violated the Bachelor Code of Ethics, and thus, his friends pretty much gave up on him for a while. When he finally broke up with The Troll for good, he came crawling back to Schmidty and Jeremy’s house for forgiveness.

Upon returning, his friends decided that his stupidity had reached such a level that drastic measures must be taken to ensure that he learned his lesson. The Bachelor High Court was called to meeting, and Collins’ sentencing commenced.

The Bachelor High Court was a judgment system set up by the guys during their college days. It consisted of Collins, Schmidty, Jeremy, and Jonny. They decided as a group that if any of them did anything that drastically affected the group as a whole, they would gather together and decide on a course of action. To this day, it has only been called to meeting two other times. It is a very sacred court, and the decisions made while it was in session were regarded as law by those involved.

In this particular case, Jonny took a few days off work and drove down from Michigan to participate. Everyone gathered in Schmidty’s living room for the proceedings. The guys ordered pizza and opened a bottle of cinnamon whiskey (as was customary for the BHC), and began the hearing.

Jeremy started things off. “Collins, you have been called before the Bachelor High Court today to determine your penance before we allow you back into the brotherhood. You had been warned that this would happen if you ever got back together with The Troll, and now you stand here tonight to pay for your crimes.”

Collins nodded, and Jonny stepped in. “Collins, you were really kind of an *censored* to us over the last few months. We understand that your dad just died and all, but living with that bitch again was way over the line. We were all ready to end our friendships with you over this. Well, except Schmidty. He wanted to give you a chance, but me and Jeremy were ready to let you suffer the consequences of your actions. You ditched us, you quit talking to us, you wouldn’t listen to a word we would say, and you expected us to be ok with it all. You should count yourself lucky that we allowed this hearing at all, because we almost didn’t even want to let you back in.”

Schmidt spoke up at this point, saying, “You sabotaged every friendship you had, and we’re pretty pissed at you.”

Jeremy stood up from where he was sitting and said, “Alright, Collins, so you know the charges brought against you, correct?”

“Yes, I do.”

“And you vow to accept the ruling of the Court, however severe the punishment for your crimes?”


“Ok. Go outside and have a cigarette; we’ll call you back in when we’re done.”

Collins went out back on the porch and did as he was told. After about ten minutes of deliberation, the guys all came outside, bearing grins, four shot glasses, and the whiskey.

While the other two chuckled to themselves, Jeremy gave Collins the ruling. “So, we talked about it, and we came up with a punishment: You were with The Troll for three months, so for the next three months we get to slap you in the back of the head as hard as we want whenever we want. Do you still accept the terms?”

Collins sighed and nodded. The other three laughed and then  Schmidty poured a shot for everyone. Jonny gave the toast. “In honor of the decision made by the Bachelor High Court, we drink.”

After a “hear, hear,” from everyone, they took their shots…and then they took turns smacking Collins on the back of the head with as much gusto as possible. Jeremy went first, knocking Collins’ hat off his head. Immediately after, Jonny took his turn, causing Collins to lose his sight for a second. As soon as he recovered from that, Schmidty hit him. That was the most painful hit Collins had ever taken (and he had been knocked across an intersection by a Corvette once).

Now, the porch was on the main level of the townhouse, but the place was built on a hill, so the porch was suspended a full story into the air. Collins was launched from where he stood, over the railing, and fell to the ground below. As he lay there moaning and coughing, Schmidty laughed, looked down at him and said, “Get up; we’re going to eat.”

The next three months were filled with violent blows to the back of the head, some so dramatic that Collins had nightmares about them. Jonny was allowed to get his licks in while he was in town, and then the punishment fell to Jeremy and Schmidty, who did their duty all-too-willingly. Collins learned his lesson, though. They definitely got their point across.


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