Alright, folks; it’s time for another exciting episode of “conversations I have with myself.” The following are all things I have said, out loud, to myself. Most people talk to their inner voices inside their head; I vocalize my various personalities.
“So, why do so many cool characters on tv wear hoods? Who decided that was a good idea? Did they have a meeting or something? ‘Alright, gentlemen, we are here to discuss the big issues facing cool fictional characters. On the docket today, hoods. Let’s look at the pros and cons. Cons, they limit mobility, they limit your vision, and you have to turn your entire body in order to look someone in the face; overall, they are quite dangerous and impractical. Pros, they look badass. Alright, that settles it: hoods get the green light.'”
“How many toes do mice have?” “Why on earth do you even bother asking your imagination questions like this? You live in the age of Google; look it up!” “Geez…rude.”
“Hey, do you think other people think I’m crazy?” “Crazy? Eh…weird, yes. Creepy, definitely. Unpleasant? You bet your boots. But crazy?…Yeah, probably. I mean, here you are, standing in the produce section of Meijer, having a full blown conversation with a seedless watermelon. If they didn’t think you were bonkers before, they sure as hell do now.”
“She think’s I’m smart; I need to talk to her more often. She also thinks my name is Shawn, though, and that could get a little confusing. Especially if we hang out with someone whose name is actually Shawn.”
“You know, it is really hard to find a quiet happy place when your mind is constantly like Times Square on New Year’s Eve; there’s just streamers, loud music, people yelling, and various people are crying or no apparent reason, like, all the time.”
“I’d like to open a store and name it “We Can’t Help You,” that way, whenever anyone called, my employees would answer the phone by saying, ‘Thank you for calling, we can’t help you.’ I mean, I’d probably go out of business in about three days, but it would be worth the crippling debt.”