Okay, so a quick recap: Previously on “I Don’t Do Weddings,” our fearless heroes had taken a trip to Michigan. They had a short sing-along with some fellow travelers, Jon had showcased his horrible impression of Robo-Admissions, and Collins had made some new friends. The next day was wide open for the boys. No business or “boring stuff” to attend to, so the entire day was open for exploration. They spent some time driving through town, and stopped at a couple of the beaches (it was the middle of the summer, and they were in their twenties; where else would they go?)
After getting to know the town fairly well, Jon pulled out a map and decided they would explore the surrounding area.
“Let’s drive through Christmas. It’s right on the lake, and I hear the restaurants serve fresh, local fish.”
“A town with a funny name that serves good food? I’m in.”
When they arrived in town, they discovered something that the town of Christmas never advertised (for obvious reasons.) There is a giant statue of Santa Clause that stands next to the main road going into town, and it holds a sign in one hand that says “Welcome to Christmas” in one hand, while holding the other up as if to wave at the travellers. Whether from the natural wear-and-tear or from vandalism, the waving hand of the giant Santa only had one finger left. For whatever reason, the town left the statue like this, so every person who drove in or out of town received the bird from jolly old St. Nick.
When the guys saw this, what they should have done was turn around and not look back. It does not matter whether you celebrate Christmas or not: when Santa Clause flips you off, it is time to leave town, stranger. Instead, the guys found the first seafood restaurant they saw and went inside.
The food was, indeed, fantastic. What they ate is not really all that important. Honestly, the fact that they ate is not really all that important. The main point here is they stayed in Christmas all afternoon. They ate, they drove around, and they stopped at a forest preserve.
Upon arriving at the forest preserve, they got out of the vehicle, and went to walk down the trail to see the waterfall (something their waitress had suggested they do since it was their first time in town.) About halfway down the trail, a woman came rushing past them, followed quickly by a man yelling over and over, “SOMEBODY STOP THAT WOMAN!” The man never specified why he needed her to stop, but the boys thought it best to just let the two pass them and work it out themselves.
The waterfall was quite a sight, but you can’t get to know an area by staring at one waterfall all afternoon. So, they set out to continue their adventure. Pulling out of the parking lot, they were almost T-boned by the woman who had run by them moments earlier. She went flying through the parking lot in a Civic, nearly rammed into the SUV, swerved around them, and tore off down the main road away from town. Chasing after the vehicle on foot (which is never a good idea) was the same man, although he was too winded to continue yelling the full phrase, so all that came out of his mouth between wheezes was “SOMEBODY STOP…”
Thinking it best to drive away from the crazy people who almost killed them, Collins steered the vehicle back through town. Jon needed to make a quick pit stop and use the bathroom, so they popped into the only gas station in town and Collins grabbed some smokes and a Gatorade for the road while Jon attempted to do his business.
Walking into the bathroom, Jon found the toilet to be overflowing. Seeing a plunger, he attempted to solve the problem and relieve his bladder, but found the more he plunged, the worse the problem got. He began to get nervous and self-conscious when several women started knocking on the bathroom door, asking him to hurry.
Jon promptly walked out of the bathroom, politely asked the ladies to wait a moment due to technical issues, and walked up to the service counter, which was being operated by an apathetic version of Stoner the Pizzaman.
“Excuse me, your toilet is overflowing, and there’s a line of women waiting to use it. I was in there and it was spilling all over the place.”
The cashier sighed dramatically, flipped his bangs out of his eyes, and said in a very condescending voice, “Did you try flushing it or plunging it? I mean, it’s your mess, you should be able to handle it.”
“Sir, it is not my mess, I actually didn’t use the restroom.”
“Then why were you in there?”
“I was going to use it, but the toilet was overflowing already.”
“How did you clog the toilet before you used it? It doesn’t make sense, man…”
“Just come fix the damn toilet so these ladies can use the restroom and be on their way.”
“Ok, fine, no need to get pushy, duder.”
So the two men walked over to the restroom (Collins was waiting by the door, watching the situation play out with a smirk.) When the attendant tried to open the door, he found it to be locked from the inside.
“Man, it wasn’t enough for you to clog my toilet, but you locked the door too? We don’t have a key, man!”
Jon put his hands up defensively. “I didn’t lock the door. I was able to get in and out just fine. Why don’t you have a key? That seems like a mild oversight on your part, man.”
“The owner has it, but he’s on vacation. Dude, water’s coming out from under the door. Now I have to call the cops and have the fuzz break the door down. My boss is gonna be pissed, man!”
The attendant walked away to use the phone, and the line of women looked at Jonny disapprovingly. Feeling immensely embarrassed, he turned sharply and walked briskly out of the gas station.
“Let’s go. NOW,” he said through gritted teeth.
Collins chuckled, saying, “We’re gonna miss the best part! The police are gonna break down the door!”
“Now; we need to leave right this second.”
So, with Collins laughing all the way to the car, they exited the station. As Collins started the SUV, the police arrived, flying into the parking lot, lights flashing. Both men froze as they watched the cops get out, retrieve a battering ram, and enter the gas station wearing full tactical gear.
Driving away, Jon muttered, “We are NEVER coming back to this town again…”
Collins howled with laughter. Santa cheerfully gave his one-finger-salute as the town faded into the distance behind them.